Daze
By:  Doug Doughtie
© 1998 by Doug Doughtie

i wake in a daze
lights flashing in my head
thoughts incoherent flying about
where am i
what has happened
the skeletal hands from the earth
clawing at my ankles
the tripled force of gravity
the added weight of my heart
when it was made of stone
the voices of the damned tortured souls
crying for respite
the curling wisps of black sticky vapour
choking my breath
the impenetrable sheet of ice that holds me under
drowning in the frigid waters
the downward spiral
with no handholds
the impossibility of revival
suddenly gone
the dark haze that made the colours of the world
dark tints with more black than was deserved
lifted
the magnetic attraction between my head and the wall
missing
the stretched white tissue
in lines parallel
have almost cleared up
i have not seen my own blood
congealing by cursed platelets
innumerable
in too long
it has been too long
what is this
light
floating
feeling
im not euphoric
visualizing clouds and birds
light hearted and fancy free
im not about to fly
im not going to skip through fields of poppies
with my picnic basket on a summers day
singing does not sound appealing
at least not in public
i don’t bear the key to alyssum
and im not about to dance in the rain
nor die smiling
but im not about to die either
for once
im missing a key component
fear
sorrow
anger
regret
depression
where have you gone
yesterday i smiled
and it wasn’t plastic
i dont remember how to act
im normally infused
with emotion from concentrate
nothing “slightly so”
nothing “kinda”
but extreme
piercing gut draws
now
wheres the pain
wheres emotion
am i still alive
or did i die
and just not notice?