Dear Chamber OfCommerce,

          Mr. OfCommerce, I write to inform you of a possible threat to my life and possibly the life of every citizen of the city of Plano. No, I’m not speaking of the imminent attack on Tinseltown by the mutated spider-people, or the plot to produce nuclear weapons in the Jack Carter Pool snack machines, or even the appearance of Dracula (the prince of darkness himself) and his band of satanic bloodthirsty vampires in the apartment complex on Park and Coit. I’m sure you know about those already, as they are so obvious. I would write also to complain about my mother committing me to Happy Dale Mental Institution for something she called “Paranoid Delusional Behavior,” (suspicious, conspirital woman!) but I don’t have the time, nor the patience for that. This is a supreme effort in itself, but I am willing to make the sacrifice, because I might be the only one who can possibly save Plano and her citizens. I repeat, this is a matter of utmost importance to national security. I refer, of course, to the dangerous intersection of Park and Parker. No one will believe my charges, clinging to the this story that there is no such intersection, but I am not that easily fooled. I know that it exists. That is where “Big Bob’s Liposuction Emporium”, “Brussels Sprouts To Go”, and of course, the meeting hall that my friends and I share with snack cakes, wigs, and child TV stars. I almost got hit in the ass there last week. Granted, I probably shouldn’t have been riding my ass (Dorian Donkey is his name) down the road, but in this case, it was something I had to do, and besides, I was following all traffic laws (except for that pesky law that says I can’t ride my ass down the street). Anyway, I was simply directing the dreary Dorian Donkey dutifully down the drive, when suddenly we were attacked! A large flying pig, thinking he could beat the yellow light, crossed the line seconds after my light had changed to green and directed me to go. Luckily, the pig swerved and missed us, but poor Dorian was so shook up, I had to put seventeen bullets in him. The reason for this mishap, I concluded, after going home and diligently doing the calculations about that intersection I learned in Active Physics in 12th grade. I do such calculations for every single intersection I come across, like all concerned citizens do. I came to the conclusion that it is YOUR FAULT, Mr. OfCommerce, that all the lives of the citizens are in danger. Let me illustrate... These are statistics I have taken after careful study of this intersection.

Speed Limit - V - 40 mph - 17.7 m/s

Yellow Light Time - Ty - 4 sec

Reaction Time Of Average Driver - Tr - 1 sec

Width Of The Intersection - W - 30 m

Deceleration Rate - 5 m/s²

The Go Zone (or the region in which one may safely go through the intersection) can be found using this formula. Dg = V*Ty-W, which yields in this case, a value of 40.8 meters. The minimum stopping distance can be found using Ds = V*Tr+(V²/2a) which yields a value of 49.029 meters. Subtracting the Dg from Ds yields the length of the dilemma zone. In this case, 8.229 meters. So the intersection could be diagrammed thus:

The blue region is what is known as a dilemma zone. This means that the driver, if caught by the yellow light while in this zone, can neither stop or go through safely. I recommend increasing the yellow light time to 5 seconds, a mere second’s delay, and the dilemma zone will disappear, because the Go Zone will then extend to 58.5 meters, overlapping the stop zone, giving what is known as an overlap zone, which allows the driver to do both stop or go safely. This may also prevent the swarms of killer bunny rabbits from reaching city hall in time to destroy the entire city. One second could mean the safety of millions!

Sincerely,

Doug Doughtie

P.S. If you wish to write back, my new address will be Happy Dale Mental Institution. They will get the letter to me.

Hit The Back Button On Your Browser To Return To My Death Threat Story...